Yesterday I spent five hours learning about old Tbilisi on a wonderful walking tour, I will elaborate on it next time--I really liked it. This scribble is about a post-tour cafe experience.
Five hours of walking. Starving, we walk into a cafe in Abanotubani, a touristy street. It is empty. A girl form the other room walks out and asks us what would we like to order, thought we haven't even seen the menu yet. My friends leave to wash their hands and I can't understand, what am I supposed to do, sit at my table and wait or walk to the waitress who stands by the bar. I catch her attention and walk to her. I order everything except water. At this point another waitress tells me, in a sour voice, to sit down and she will come take my order there. I am like, but I am almost done, can I finish my order? No, I have to sit down. After some time, the girls yell FROM THE BAR what would we drink. Now, did it matter where I told them about my water, sitting or standing up, if they never came to our table?
Scene two. A hungry man walks into the cafe to take food with him. He looks at the menu, orders chebureki, then looks at the bar and notices a way longer menu displayed there, and re-orders pirogi which is not that different from chebureki--both are dough containing meat or potatoes and fried. The mean waitress goes in the kitchen, we can all here cook saying that pirogi will take 30 minutes (chebureki was promised in 10 minutes). Waitress comes out and informs the man that he will have to wait slightly more time, around 20 minutes. He asks, 20 or 30? She answers 20-30. The man is understandably freaked out and orders cheburekis again--reassured they will be ready in ten minutes. Meanwhile, he orders a beer.
Scene three. Big gorilla-like security guys with earphones and all the security gadgets walk in. They look so scary. They stand in the middle of the cafe and look around. I feel extremely uncomfortable and want to disappear. They are trying to figure out what to do with themselves. They are like extras in a play, a background for main action.A comic relief of muscles and faces with lost expression.
Scene four. at the same time,10 minutes pass and the man does not receive his order or his beer (seriously, it was just us and him in the cafe before the muscle attack, just give him damn beer). He reminds her several times and then...he explodes.
The man: I want to retreat my order, return my money.
The mean waitress: you can't, you already placed an order.
The man: I do not want your cheburekis anymore. Give me my money back.
The mean waitress: YOU CANNOT AND I WILL NOT GIVE YOUR MONEY BACK!
The man: YOU ARE RUDE AND I DO NOT WANT TO BUY YOUR PRODUCT!
The mean waitress: YOU ARE EVEN RUDER AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK TO PEOPLE.
The man: LET ME TALK TO YOUR MANAGER !
The mean waitress: FINE!
The standing gorilla security: Ummm....we are lost. What is going on?
My hubby: pasumonok, close your mouth.
The mean waitress return with a cook from the kitchen, in apron and hands covered in flour.
The cook: What's the problem?
The man: Firstly, she did not greet me right, I came in and she was eating in another room. Secondly, she confused me about timing of food and what food was available, thirdly, she is rude (I swear he really did tell her this in orderly manner).
The cook (calmly): I have already began cooking your food, it will be out in two minutes.
The mean waitress: YOU ARE RUDE! YOU ARE RUDE!
The man: Is there a man in this establishment?!
Me: This is sexist. He implies that he can't make these women understand his situation.
Hubby: No, the man is so desperate, he wants to swear at someone and he can't swear at women.
Me: Got it.
The mean waitress keeps screaming. I want to leave, but I realize that we've already placed our order and if we cancel now we will get beaten and trampled over by the screaming harpies of Georgian food industry. Plus, the lost-looking gorilla security still stand in the middle of cafe acting like lost-looking gorilla security. I am afraid to get up and stand by them.
Scene four. The climatic scene.
Cook returns to her kitchen.
The mean waitress keeps insulting her costumer. Finally she yells: Here is your 10 Lari and 30 Tetri!-- and throws the money on bar counter, with change falling to the ground.
The man: YOU ARE LOCATED IN THE CENTER OF TBILISI AND YOUR SERVICE SUCKS!
The mean waitress: YOU SUCK AS A HUMAN BEING!
Everybody else: what?!
The mean waitress: Go, leave the place right now, or your face will get ugly (implication of beating up his face).
Everybody else: WHAT?!
The man leaves furious. I just blink and drink my water, afraid to move.
Security man: Can we order? And I would like to give you an advice: you cannot talk like that to the costumers.
The mean waitress: But you saw how rude he was!
Other girl comes out and brings security people drinks but no glasses. The mean waitress disappears into a kitchen. New costumers come in. We get our cheburekis--delicious!--we finish our cheburekis, we ask for the bill, we pay the bill, new costumers walk up to the bar counter and demand to place order. Security guys receive their food and their glasses. We leave. The curtain.