Wicked Games

While everyone is celebrating Easter, I am sitting by my comp at 3 in the morning, feeling a bit heavy.

The team just left. We were watching our game on TV and we watched ourselves loose once more and I felt incompetent once more.

I started playing intellectual quiz game show thingy “What When Where” accidentally. My hubby was an active player from school years and since he was so involved I tagged along, supporting him and his team. The team soon became part of our family. I was jokingly calling myself their groupie, following them around, wagging my tail and just waiting for them to like me. One after one, I befriended them all, and I think for 6 years now, some of hubby’s original team members have become my closest friends. We shared food, room, hey, 6 of us even shared couches and beds J They silently stepped into my life and I –into theirs and we lived happily ever after, until one genius (no joke here) received sky high score on GMAT and left us for much better life at Stanford. And then… a vacant spot on the team. თhey took me in.

For a long, long time I felt redundant, like I was occupying somebody else’s seat and I think I owe it to my captain who kept emphasizing every game I played well, until sometime, I don’t even remember when, last year maybe, I felt like I really am a member of this team that I have some role in it, that sometimes I am useful. We played throughout the year, off TV, we played well, we played badly, we played together.

Time after time I was asked for TV show casting, when I was put with a group of other castees and we had to answer questions as a team, while people observed us. Twice I went to casting last year and twice I acted unnatural – too loud, too quiet, too pushy, too obnoxious, too shy. I never really wanted it though. I just went along.

This year, I was called again. I had training that evening and I debated long and hard, to go or not to go. The truth is, I did not really want to play on TV. I did not value this game so much to miss my training for it. But I went anyway. I like adventures.

I think I was closer to myself this time. I guessed some questions. I answered some wrong ones. I was mostly silent but enthusiastic about stuff I knew. And…I did not make it. But, since my hubby’s TV team (which is different from our constant team) was temporarily missing one person, they let me play just this once.

And this is when it happened. During rehearsals with my hubby’s team. When I actually started participating. When this shit started getting valuable. When I wanted to really play and not just sit and look pretty.

We lost. We lost though we played well. Actually, they played well. I sat and looked pretty. I looked pretty on purpose: I wanted to be pretty and sexy and smart and to prove to the whole world that girls with nice eyes and big boobs can be smart too. And I failed. Not that I was nervous – I just went dumb.  I went blank. I remember enjoying the game and I wished it would never end, and I did not want us to win quickly.

But we lost and I keep wondering if the team would win with their regular team member. If they would have been better had they been 6 instead of 5 and an appendix.

I also feel big regret. Had we won, I could have played one more time in May.  Maybe I could be more daring the next time. Or not. I don’t know. I wanted to make my hubby proud.

Fuck, after 6 years of resisting, I finally let this game get to me. And I feel pissed. Because now that my chance has escaped me, I want it so bad.

P.S. my bow tie: symbol of the game J