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Wednesday, February 26, 2014

The Unbearable Lightness of Being

It’s the little things that make the injustice. Maybe because I've been more open about it, because I told the whole world, because I am visibly affected and finally, because it is after all, my body, I get all the sad faces in facebook, while my hubby stands outside of the whole process.
But how it is fair, if I require that in this partnership we both get the benefits, if I require that we both do what we like (under the circumstances), if we both split the chores (again, under the circumstances) and if I fully expect him to be involved in diaper-changing, in sleepless nights, in parenting classes, how is it fair that after this failed in vitro attempt I am the only one getting any attention?
How is it fair that we live in this fucked up world when it is such a big deal to write to a man “I am sorry that this happened to you” or “I know how you wanted that baby”?!
Didn’t he go to the doctor’s appointments? Didn't he memorize required standards of endometrium, didn't he count all the eggs with me, didn't he sit with my after the procedure? i am not sure I could stand and watch my partner being stabbed with hormones day after day, take care of her when she is in hysterics, work till 3 A.M. to pay for all this and feel left out and maybe helpless. I don’t know if he feels that, I know that’s what I’d feel.
Truth is I don’t really know how he feels. Because I’m the only staying home in bed all day, eating ice-cream and answering phone calls. I’m the one who has emotions. He’s supposed to work like nothing happened. I’m sure my boss wouldn't force me to stay at work the day I learn that nothing worked out. But hey, men don’t have to tell, do they? They’re not really expected to share anything at all. Can you imagine how weird it would be to hear that your male co-worker wants to stay home because his wife can’t get pregnant?  Would you take him seriously after that? Would you still think that he is a strong, powerful person that is required to manage a team? Would he even want to say anything?
Not only because it is weird. But also because it is confusing for everybody around. I guess we all are scared of emotions and we have no idea how to deal with them. We become overly rational and say things like “oh, try another time”, “it is so rare to get pregnant during your first try”, thus diminishing the perceived weight of the problem. However the problem doesn't have an absolute weight. It weights as much kgs, as it feels, and when someone tells a problem-holder that really and objectively this problem is much slimmer, it brings no comfort, just anger. Cause here’s the person crushed by the weight and there’s someone, telling the person that she is making it up, instead of just saying "How are you?" or “this must be so heavy for you”(even to get a response, no, I am dealing fine). Later, there’s always time for the encouragement later, to end the pity-fest and shake the person up. Not when it is so acute though.
And then there’s person who carries the weight and nobody knows about it. Cause real men don’t cry.

P.S. I am really not fishing for pity comments, so please, please don’t write anything comforting or encouraging. That’s not why I wrote the post.  I wrote it because I think this role division is unfair, whether it concerns me or anyone else.


  1. it is a second time i am getting a home delivery of a virus - with temperature, sore throat, etc. but i am feeling terribly miscared - that is what i feel... anger of being powerless.... I did everything to stay healthy - didn't start a job, stayed at home, anything i could do was done.... and now, it is a second time i feel like a shit.... not only physically, but mostly emotionally.... i get that pregnancy causes lots of emotions - unrational.... but.... i get that my husband didn't want to infect me, but here are the facts.... second virus and still 3 months to go.... i am so fed up and it is just the beginning... just wanted to share... i understand what it feels to be powerless - in this situation although i am pregnant - i can do nothing....

  2. i know. feeling helpless is such a horrible feeling:-(
    sorry u're sick