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Sunday, August 19, 2012

Summer in the Ministry

This nice and hot summer afternoon I am sitting in my office, alone. Half of the Ministry is gone on a vacation and I am enjoying the empty hallways, being my own boss, maybe coming to work 20 minutes later than I am supposed to…and though I still have to run around with all kinds of papers, I feel like a tide of calmness has swept through here. I am finally content. I have tons to do, I’ve agreed to write some paper about topics I have to research deeply, I need to paint the door at my house and mend my shoes, but still, life is fine.
A bit exited. A bit scared. On the verge of new beginnings. I am leaving the Ministry! I am leaving this stress! God help me, I am quitting my job and diving into unknown future!
In 22 days, I will be out of here. Probably forever. I can still return in January, but that’s just a backup plan, something that makes me feel like I am not a total looser. However, I really don’t want to leave, make such a big deal out of it, start new life, just to come back in 6 months. But how stupid is it to leave when I finally get a promotion?
 In 22 days, I will be in Denver! Yes!Yes!Yes! I miss it, oh how I miss it, I will go camping, storm the Rocky mountains, get lost in University of Boulder library (my school, my campus, my cafeteria, my youth…was it really that long ago?), do all the clich├ęs I am supposed to do in the states—Starbucks, Wall Mart, Burger King—let me embrace you, capitalist, money-making, evil franchises I would never touch in college, now that you’re far away, I miss you. Victoria’s Secret! Target! Malls! Hamburgers! Pizzas! Mint chocolate ice-creams! Maple syrup! Lucky Charms cereal! F*n Dr. Pepper!!!!!!!
 Colorado! I am so exited! Let me come back to you and hug you!
 So, last days here. Then, a month off. And after that, I am stepping into a horrible in-between-jobs limbo. I am looking for a job…anyone? Help? I will send you my CV…
How often we feel frustrated, threatening to leave, but never leaving, complaining about lack of development, progress, inner growth, now I smile to myself and I think: “I did it! I broke free! I dared and broke free!” I am an idiot.
 Colorado, time to take bunch of online classes, read some books, improve my qualification a bit, come back, start internship with a clinician, go broke…I am starting over. Like I have just graduated from college. It gives me feeling of freedom though. Feeling of power. Like I am controlling my life again. Like I am making my own decisions again. I know that I will regret it later, when lost and frustrated, I will complain about how horrible it feels to sit home, do nothing. But for now, I am enjoying it. Changes…it has been so long. Changes. And this last month here? Doesn’t seem that bad.
pic:bunny hubby gave me. expresses my current emotions.

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