My Blog List

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Another Brick in the F...n Wall

When I look out of the window at work, I see brick wall. It is discouraging. I look out to get distracted and can’t find anything to see.

Very often I feel like I am surrounded by brick walls. I get angry, I get upset, but I can’t change anything.

I am gradually loosing skills that I have listed in CV. It is getting harder to analyze, I am less passionate about my work, my leadership abilities are gone out of the window. Most of the days I focus on finishing short-term tasks and feel lucky if I cross items on a to-do list and at the same time, eat lunch and go home on time. Most of the days, five-minute tea is a luxury and an hour-long lunch—fantasy.

I can’t deal with ignorance, ambiguity, disrespect, total apathy. I can’t anymore. I feel that I am becoming ignorant, ambiguous, apathetic. Like this post--unfocused and all over the place.

Collaboration, partnership, those terms are unknown to us, at work and at home. I am lucky to have a safe refuge at home. I am very lucky.

Brick walls are everywhere and no one wants to help, no one cares. Everybody strictly does what they have to; they are busy, they are afraid. And if they cared, wanted, needed, now they just try to get through the day.

What? Am I exaggerating? When was the last time you felt thrilled, when you felt like you have accomplished something important?

I have discovered that for a while now, I care less about the issue that I am working to improve. I became used to it. I see the whole picture now and I have two choices: either I stop worrying about it and care less or I ruin my cardiovascular system.

So, you keep on going with no results. And the only thing you can see from your window is a brick wall.

Can this post get more pathetic? Oh, but it can! Check out the view from my window on the pic!


  1. My first year in college I got the dorm room that looked straight into another building. I could touch the other building with my hands. This was before they sealed all windows shut in dorms. Suicide prevention or whatnot.
    The building across was ugly and annoying because we could never tell what kind of weather it was that day and therefore could not dress accordingly. This was Chicago- dressing according to weather is very important there.
    One day we had a really bad critique on one of the art projects and I was frustrated because I couldn't get my point across to my peers. I came back to my dorm room and sat starring at the brick wall. And then I painted it neon pink. Not the best color, but that's all i had at that moment. And the next day my roommate painted it a different color, and soon our dorm mates were coming in to paint it, decorate it, glue things to it. You can call it vandalism,(our school finally caught on five month in), but every time I woke up and looked out that window it made me smile.

  2. What I meant to say was - Your blog is amazing. Keep on going!

  3. @megreli: u know what? i just got a nasty comment on my other post and then i read this...
    thank u so much!!!
    u don't even know how much this comment meant right now:-)

  4. Nasty comments-you know what drives people who leave nasty comments? Attention. Ignore them and it will drive them craaaaazzzzyyy. Seriously, you write well. Just read your blog on Fight or Flight. Nice work.