Fidelio

Many things prompted me to write this post. First, my hubby decided to take a lone road trip. He took off and I tried not to bother him, not to call him and not even inquire where he went. It is probably a wonderful thing, when you can take off, no responsibilities and just drive, wherever.
Second, while he was away, with drops of Jupiter in his hair, I called girls over to watch "Eyes Wide Shut", talk about female sexuality, male sexuality, fidelity, bla, bla. IMHO the film is a bit long, but it does press the issue of marital relations.
Third, my hubby surprised me with a trip to Budapest for my birthday. I like him more now.
Does marriage work? I personally believe that yes, it does. After 7 years, I came to conclusion that we do some things precisely because we are married. For example, hubby wants to disappear into the mountains of Georgia because he never has alone time. He is either at work or home with me. He does have a study room to hide, but being home in parallel rooms is not the same as being alone. However, since we know each other so well, he can go away and I will find something do with my weekend. It's this balance of staying individual while being a couple that comes only after years of committed relationship. I am confident that he is not running away from me. I am confident that he likes to travel with me. I am actually confident that his escape does not have anything to do with me - for the first time in years he had opportunity to escape without planning, without arrangements. Meanwhile, I gathered girls and we watched naked Tom Cruise.
The second advantage of marriage is feeling of comfort. I know for sure that we will spend good time in Budapest because hubby is my best travelling partner. We know each other well, and not only that, we sync, we wake up at the same time, we both like to walk, we know what bothers us and what makes us happy. Yes, sometimes I complain, and he is usually late, but despite that our vacations are very satisfying. When we return and I go back to work, not only I miss places that we've visited, i miss that wordless communication, almost telepathic connection that I have with my hubby and I am reluctant to talk to others around me, who seem so distant.
Yes, long-term relations lack excitement, flirt, uncertainty.... but that is exactly why we come up with these trips and surprises. Such things are less spontaneous, they don't just occur, commitments, mortgages, work, relatives hinder that pure longing we had when we just dated (sometimes I miss those times), but it does not mean that we can't find excitement despite all that. The approach is different, that's all. It takes more effort, but the result is different qualitatively.
 I'd like to clear up - it does not have to be a conventional marriage. And long-term is an arbitrary word. I am talking about my personal experience. I am talking about any couple who has gone over the initial crazy stage, left most of the guesswork behind and enjoys different kind of intimacy.
I guess that's what marriage is about. Learning how to stay individual and learning how to stay a couple. Enjoying being individual because you know that you're a couple.
(Also, I got bored with life and I cut my hair).
So, there.

Life Taking Over

All the sudden, I have tons of writing to do.
First, this blog. Second, my psychology blog. Third, pretty cool motivation web site that I hope will adopt me.
And I opened my fb page. And I have to put stuff up on it daily. Now I am thinking logo, no logo? Ways to improve?
So of course I have no inspiration to write anything personal.
I am wondering if I started this whole thing just to trick myself into thinking that I am doing something.
Planning conference, translating articles, giving lectures...thinking of a syllabus.
Meanwhile, next week I am turning 30. I am turning 30 and reaching some milestone, or that's what I am told.
But after all, time is arbitrary, age is arbitrary and who said that we have to have something solid by 30?
Who said we have to have a career, kids, house, car, pet? What if I prefer starting from scratch, travelling, having fun?
What if I'd rather write about psychology and provide Georgian subtitles for famous experiments?
What if I just do what I like?
 I think my biggest problem is that I am always looking for outside approval, feedback, acknowledgement.
I think that my biggest problems is false sense of entitlement that successful students get. You think you will graduate and real life will praise you for your efforts, just as those hippy teachers did in the college.
So for now I will do what I do best - get busy, give talks, write posts. And hopefully it will bring some results.
Otherwise, I am just wasting my time.

Grieving for Gyumri

The first time I went to Armenia, we undertook a journey full of fun and unexpected adventures. We toured bars in Yerevan, I almost burned down our host’s neighbors (via Chinese lantern), we got lost and ended up at Azeri-Armenian border with machine guns pointing at us.

We drove through snowy Alpine zones, eating carrots bought from local Molokan village, we listened to Tsoi and read names of towns that did not exist: Leninakan, Kirovakan…

And somewhere on our way back, we stopped at Gyumri. After obtaining interesting directions from the locals (so if you are looking for the fish canyon,  you go right, then left, then you flip the car upside down and then go left; but the fish canyon you are looking for does not exist), we drove by Russian army buildings and came upon fishing farm to eat a fish dinner.

The fish canyon works like this: you order a fish by kg-s, you take a table and they kill it nearby (murdered my desire to eat it). It was interesting new experience for us. The fish farm was located at foothills of old castle. Peaceful sunset was disturbed only by hatchets beheading fishes of different kg constitution.

After forcing fresh fish down my throat, we hurried out of the town before it got dark- we still had to find our way back home. As I have mentioned, that scenario did not work out (apparently all road signs were abducted by the aliens) and that’s how we ended up in a military zone. Needless to say, we quickly moved away from the wrong border and continued our quest for the motherland.

Last week, a horrible tragedy happened in the same Gyumri, quiet and little town, dusty town, with streets growing silent after sunset. A Russian soldier escape from the Russian army base, walked into one of the houses and killed a whole family; only smallest member, an infant survived.

The soldier was caught and is now detained at the army base.

Armenia is in uproar.

They demand to bring this soldier to Armenian court; meanwhile, Russian side wants Russian trial- the guy broke Russian law first, by deserting the army. Russian officials do not make statements, do not apologize, just say general nonsense like “the crime must be investigated”. Nobody addresses heartbroken, angry, grieving people, who stage protest after protest, hoping for justice.

In addition, Russian side made an official statement only on January 18, while events took place on January 12.

I guess nobody in Armenia believes that he will be tried justly if he leaves the country.

I don’t know how the whole affair might end, who blames whom, what were the reasons, is Russian army in Gyumri beneficial or detrimental.

The wounded baby died yesterday.

P.S. self-portrait against gorgeous Armenian background

Remembering 2014

Sometime around New Year I make a small summary of what happened in my life. It helps me close the passing year and leave it all in the past.

It is an egotistical and self-indulgent thing to do and thank you for joining in.

Thus, this 2014 year:

-          I had one In Vitro fertilization and two artificial inseminations to no avail; next one on the horizon this spring

-          War in Ukraine happened and I still feel very sympathetic towards Ukrainians and very angry towards Putin

-          Sherlock 3 happened; it was fine and magnificent, and we had  Sherlock party to celebrate it

-          I got cured of my Cumberbatchism; I don’t know, maybe he’s just too popular for me now

-          I started new job in an NGO working as a disability expert

-          I took part in TV show “What, When, Where” and sat prettily without really contributing anything

-          Orthan Pamuk visited Georgia and we stalked him and obtained his autograph

-          I started second job – am now counselling at the clinic and welcoming anyone who wants to talk in a safe, confidential environment

-          I went to Lviv for training, gained many new friends and toured such a nice, cute, little city

-          Hubby surprised me with a trip to Cappadocia and it was absolutely amazing; I felt like I was walking on moon

-          I generally went to lots of clubs and spent many nights dancing till dawn

-          I directed and performed in Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues

-          I went to the damned and cursed Kazantip and it proved to be lot more moral than I hoped it would be

-          I have finished the first step (it took 1.5 years) in my Gestalt therapy training

-          I translated many, many documents

-          I conducted many, many trainings

All in all, this year brought interesting career developments (I am still trying to navigate in the unknown world of therapy market), it contained a lot of reproductive interventions and when I was not working or getting injected with reproductive shit, I was partying.

Sounds like I just graduated from college.

 The pic: Caucasus mountains in Imereti. The winter is coming.

Digital Death of My Photography

Year ago, I took a photography course.

Pretty famous cinematographer showed us camera tricks. We walked around Old Tbilisi, armed with Soviet Zenit (Leica rip-off) and one film roll (36 shots, sometimes stretched to 40). Zenit settings were manual only.

After great fretting about under-over exposure, when the printed results were too bright or too dim, too lifeless or too cluttered, we just had to live with it.

My teacher used to say: “a good photographer notices and controls everything in the frame”.

I’d get very excited when manual rolling button would move freely – the film was done. I had to roll the film back into the carcass. Sometimes I’d lock myself in the bathroom, lights off, to make sure that the film is safe in its Kodak or Fuji tomb.

My teacher used to say: “you know that you are a good photographer when you get three perfect pictures in row. Then you know, it was not an accident”.

The waiting period followed. Film had to be exposed. We’d unscrew our Zenit’s lenses, point them to the exposed films and carefully select frames. Lots of guesswork – green was red, it was hard to say if the image was blurry, etc.

And then…the final waiting…to see if real pictures matched the guesswork. Sometimes they were better, sometimes they were disappointing.

My teacher used to say: “a perfect picture does not need retouching”.

Some pictures were salvageable. I’d sit down and carefully crop the pictures with a paper knife, throwing away the garbage. Then I’d paste the much smaller pictures on a cardboard.

With all this work, with all this effort, every picture was revered. Every picture could become “the perfect picture”. I would never just snap a photo. I would carefully examine many angles, positions, double-check aperture and shutter speed.  I would carefully adjust the lens focus. And with each movement, I’d re-adjust.

My teacher used to say: “you have to consciously take many, many pictures, before you become a good photographer”; he said: “these images of a cactus do not qualify as homework!”

… Sometimes when I adjust focus on a projector lens for the trainings, I remember how I used to adjust lens for every single frame and I smile.

The only skill I have left now is taking pictures from different positions. Oh, I am not shy to stand right in front of you to take a good shot. A good shot is worth your frustration.

But I lost it all, the shutter speed, the exposure, the depth, the aperture size. The appraisal of the composition.

I just took 700 (!) pictures of an event. Some of those pictures turned out pretty good. Well, I do jump around and am bound to accidentally capture something special. I have a very nice camera - so nice that when I try to auto-correct exposure via Photoshop, no changes are necessary most of the time.

It takes so much time to sort through 700 pictures and pick several for the PR purposes. Because unfortunately I have still retained the skill of assessing photos.

11 years ago, my teacher told this boy from the other group who joined us for photo-taking tour: “here, choose the one you like” and the boy chose me. All the pics on my blog (with several exceptions) belong to me or this boy.

…I could never take three good pictures in a row. Now, I doubt I can take even one.

 P.S. I took this photo in Budapest. I actually like it.

Roadside Georgia

Georgia for me is a big chunk of land divided by a highway. There’s stuff right of the highway and there’s stuff left of the highway. The road itself starts in Tbilisi and either ends in Batumi (the long version) or in Kakheti (the short version). My mental map of Georgia is this thin strip of land on both sides of the road, bordered by the mountains. I’ve been living in a two-dimensional Georgia.

Despite the fact that I have traveled all over Georgia – tents, nice hotels, bad hotels, cities, villages, valleys- despite the fact that Svaneti  is the only region I have not yet visited, despite the fact that for the last 4 years I always chose positions that include working in the regions - I am still a tourist in my own country.

Really, what is Georgia for me? Batumi in the summer and Gudauri in the winter? Nice hiking area?

These people I see from the cars, these people I train, I sit down for therapy, why do they wear different clothes, what do they all day? How do they live? What do they do for fun?

Do you know what is the first place that I absolutely have to visit, even if I have nothing to buy? Smart supermarkets. Thank god there is one in Akhaltsikhe, in Gori, in Gonio. Smart supermarket is where I find shelter, ATMs, tea, clean bathrooms. Where I know things.

My comfort zone has extended to Kutaisi now. I can walk around the center alone without getting lost and mostly understanding the situation.

I spend so much time, so much time with people who discuss Game of Thrones, Benedict Cumberbatch, the latest event at the Mtkvari club, did-you-see-that-video-of-a-kitty-on-9-gag, and I start believing that this is what Georgia is, that everyone around me watches kitty videos, that everyone misses Breaking Bad, that everyone has a FB account. I am not surprised that some people don’t know English, but it doesn’t sound right to me. I don’t mean perfect English, I mean not understanding computer commands or “Friends” dialogue. I realize how incredibly snobby I sound.

And I actually do go out there. I actually spend so much work and vacation time outside Tbilisi. Yet, I don’t let the country in. I leave, I lock up my thoughts and beliefs; I don’t try to fit in – I try not to annoy. The only thing that I identify with is the nature. Those mountains on both sides of the road. I feel like they are mine. Mountains and the Smart supermarkets.

How did it happen that I am a tourist in my own country? It had something to do with refusal to watch TV.  Something to do with declaring that I am better than all this. That I am "way too educated" and "way too liberal". And as we took the new shortcut around Kutaisi  last week, I felt like my point of reference – the road – shifted. I caught myself thinking: I don’t even know how long we need to ride to the horizon until we reach the border of Georgia. Is it 2 hours, 3 hours? What’s out there? Azerbaijan, Russia? But then of course the shortcut ended and we went back to familiar highway, this road I’ve been riding several times a month now. Western Georgia-coffee at Zestaponi-Rikoti twists and turns-Nazuki-Khashuri roundabout-Gori Smart-abandoned Berta building-Jvari-Digomi-home.

…I wish I had a village, I wish I was not born and raised here, I wish I could connect, I could remember,

how must it feel to wake up on the 2^nd floor, under 4-sided roof, walk to the balcony rail, shiver and hurry downstairs for breakfast.

Cause I don’t know.

P.S. Pic I took in Kakheti last year.

Bar-hopping in Tbilisi

I used to complain that there is nothing to do in Tbilisi on a Friday night. That was era of endless-independent-film-watching.

I looked around the other day and discovered underground Tbilisi expansion. We’re no Berlin or NY, but still, things happen.

It’s Friday night and I have to choose between clubbing and bar-hopping. And that makes me exited.

So, if you decide to bar-hop in Georgia, let me share our favorite route which includes some newly-formed, informal bars.

1.       Warshawa  - a great place to start. It is located on the Freedom Square (Pushkin’s 19).  Menu includes 2 and 5 GEL drinks

You can hang around outside (people don’t smoke inside, yeah!), stay on a crowded first floor, or descend to a historical basement with long tables and benches. Basement serves wine only, so you’ll have to carry beer, drinks and food with you from the first floor down some pretty uncomfortable steps. Also, basement has no cell phone service.

Expect expats and young kids that don’t mind standing or sitting in the street.

2.   Walk toward old city hall, pass by the pretentious Tabidze, walk up Leonidze and turn left (Machabeli 2). The place has no sign, but you’ll see commotion outside. Arsad, located in the basement of former Lebanise restaurant (now just in the basement of nothing), Arsad (Nowhere in Georgian), used to be our favorite place to hang out about a year ago.  Expect shaggy, strange-haired youth here. It is also located in a historical basement and is usually pretty full on weekends. I love two warm design solutions here – Portrait of Shevardnadze that scared me to death last Halloween and writing on the bathroom mirror “Beware, the Chamber of secrets has been opened again”. By the way, the bathroom itself – yuck!

3.       Walk back to Freedom Square, down the Rustaveli Av. and discover “Reefer” (Rustaveli 28), another bar in the basement. Hipsters, dreadlocks. Concerts. Friendly management.

4.       Next stop – Canudos Ethnic Bar. Walk down the Rustaveli Av., until you reach McDonald’s, turn on Elbakidze, you’ll see a Samaia Park with hipster/i-like-dreds/ I-will-wear-Che-T-shirts crowd.  There was a time, when I absolutely loved this bar, it was one of the first ones to welcome different-minded crowd, but it is too mainstream for me now( I am aware of how pretentious that sounds)  I like the option of hanging outside, since bar is always crowded and you have to make your way through a unruly queue to get a drink.

5.       Walk  back to  Rustaveli, approach Wendy’s and eat something fatty. Or enter Smart and eat something fatty. The point is – after 4 bars you need to eat something fatty. (See my safe clubbing post).

6.       Continue walking on Rustaveli Av. and head left before you reach the Opera House. Walk down Lagidze street and turn left. Enter Dive bar (Lagidze 12). The crowd here is mostly friendly expats and young Georgians who have spent some time in Europe. It has two rooms, no floor and very underground feel. However, I just don’t find it cozy. Maybe the crowd is too young for me. Maybe the bar stand is too crowded. I don’t know.

7.       Now, take Tabukashvili street until you reach Tubo Partybar (Tabukashvili 14). I love this place. Blue walls, light fixtures made of red pipes, Ukrainians who opened it up. Sometimes there’s a DJ. It’s small, but not too many people know about it (they will now). Many expats from the Post-soviet space. Hubby has tasted variety of distilled house alcohol with no lethal results.

8.       Keep walking on Tabukashvili, until you reach the flower market on Kolmeureneoba. Here you climb the stairs to Pirimze (Atoneli 18) – There’s big policnica sing on the fisrt floor.. It is the quietest of all bars, but at this point you need to relax. Interesting artwork on the wall,  crowd discussing Sundance festival, old Singer sewing machines as a part of décor in an old, intelgentsia-styled apartment…you get the picture.  One of my favorite places on the route. Take advantage of a clean bathroom. Get some liquids. Check out the balcony.

9.       Next, you walk to Orbeliani street into second Ukrainian –owned bar, Absurd. It is located yet in another historic basement. It used to be a New Art Café, the space is pretty big and the crowd…you will not notice the crowd by this point. Barpeople are very friendly. They usually have pretty cool electronic music till 12, when they have to turn the volume down due to the neighbors. Used to be the only bar with no indoor smoking, but they had to allow it  - people used to smoke outside and annoy the neighbors.

10.   If you’ve started at 10 p.m. and moved pretty quickly, it’s probably 3-4 AM by now. But that’s OK because you have one last cool stop: the Drunk Owl (Samghebro’s 21). It is the newest bar on the block and pretty cool one. It has interesting décor (light fixtures made of bottles, owls of different sizes and shapes).  Bar’s mission is to introduce interesting drinks- also makes a good first stop, to appreciate pretty-colored cocktails before you are completely drunk. It is located right opposite the newly-built monastery, on the left right when you enter Abonotubani.

Happy drinking to you!

P.S. the pic: I stole it from their FB page, Absurd barpeople with lots of beer.

P.S. I've linked all the bar names with their fb pages, for your convenience. Because I am cool like that.