Remembering 2014

Sometime around New Year I make a small summary of what happened in my life. It helps me close the passing year and leave it all in the past.

It is an egotistical and self-indulgent thing to do and thank you for joining in.

Thus, this 2014 year:

-          I had one In Vitro fertilization and two artificial inseminations to no avail; next one on the horizon this spring

-          War in Ukraine happened and I still feel very sympathetic towards Ukrainians and very angry towards Putin

-          Sherlock 3 happened; it was fine and magnificent, and we had  Sherlock party to celebrate it

-          I got cured of my Cumberbatchism; I don’t know, maybe he’s just too popular for me now

-          I started new job in an NGO working as a disability expert

-          I took part in TV show “What, When, Where” and sat prettily without really contributing anything

-          Orthan Pamuk visited Georgia and we stalked him and obtained his autograph

-          I started second job – am now counselling at the clinic and welcoming anyone who wants to talk in a safe, confidential environment

-          I went to Lviv for training, gained many new friends and toured such a nice, cute, little city

-          Hubby surprised me with a trip to Cappadocia and it was absolutely amazing; I felt like I was walking on moon

-          I generally went to lots of clubs and spent many nights dancing till dawn

-          I directed and performed in Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monologues

-          I went to the damned and cursed Kazantip and it proved to be lot more moral than I hoped it would be

-          I have finished the first step (it took 1.5 years) in my Gestalt therapy training

-          I translated many, many documents

-          I conducted many, many trainings

All in all, this year brought interesting career developments (I am still trying to navigate in the unknown world of therapy market), it contained a lot of reproductive interventions and when I was not working or getting injected with reproductive shit, I was partying.

Sounds like I just graduated from college.

 The pic: Caucasus mountains in Imereti. The winter is coming.

Digital Death of My Photography

Year ago, I took a photography course.

Pretty famous cinematographer showed us camera tricks. We walked around Old Tbilisi, armed with Soviet Zenit (Leica rip-off) and one film roll (36 shots, sometimes stretched to 40). Zenit settings were manual only.

After great fretting about under-over exposure, when the printed results were too bright or too dim, too lifeless or too cluttered, we just had to live with it.

My teacher used to say: “a good photographer notices and controls everything in the frame”.

I’d get very excited when manual rolling button would move freely – the film was done. I had to roll the film back into the carcass. Sometimes I’d lock myself in the bathroom, lights off, to make sure that the film is safe in its Kodak or Fuji tomb.

My teacher used to say: “you know that you are a good photographer when you get three perfect pictures in row. Then you know, it was not an accident”.

The waiting period followed. Film had to be exposed. We’d unscrew our Zenit’s lenses, point them to the exposed films and carefully select frames. Lots of guesswork – green was red, it was hard to say if the image was blurry, etc.

And then…the final waiting…to see if real pictures matched the guesswork. Sometimes they were better, sometimes they were disappointing.

My teacher used to say: “a perfect picture does not need retouching”.

Some pictures were salvageable. I’d sit down and carefully crop the pictures with a paper knife, throwing away the garbage. Then I’d paste the much smaller pictures on a cardboard.

With all this work, with all this effort, every picture was revered. Every picture could become “the perfect picture”. I would never just snap a photo. I would carefully examine many angles, positions, double-check aperture and shutter speed.  I would carefully adjust the lens focus. And with each movement, I’d re-adjust.

My teacher used to say: “you have to consciously take many, many pictures, before you become a good photographer”; he said: “these images of a cactus do not qualify as homework!”

… Sometimes when I adjust focus on a projector lens for the trainings, I remember how I used to adjust lens for every single frame and I smile.

The only skill I have left now is taking pictures from different positions. Oh, I am not shy to stand right in front of you to take a good shot. A good shot is worth your frustration.

But I lost it all, the shutter speed, the exposure, the depth, the aperture size. The appraisal of the composition.

I just took 700 (!) pictures of an event. Some of those pictures turned out pretty good. Well, I do jump around and am bound to accidentally capture something special. I have a very nice camera - so nice that when I try to auto-correct exposure via Photoshop, no changes are necessary most of the time.

It takes so much time to sort through 700 pictures and pick several for the PR purposes. Because unfortunately I have still retained the skill of assessing photos.

11 years ago, my teacher told this boy from the other group who joined us for photo-taking tour: “here, choose the one you like” and the boy chose me. All the pics on my blog (with several exceptions) belong to me or this boy.

…I could never take three good pictures in a row. Now, I doubt I can take even one.

 P.S. I took this photo in Budapest. I actually like it.

Roadside Georgia

Georgia for me is a big chunk of land divided by a highway. There’s stuff right of the highway and there’s stuff left of the highway. The road itself starts in Tbilisi and either ends in Batumi (the long version) or in Kakheti (the short version). My mental map of Georgia is this thin strip of land on both sides of the road, bordered by the mountains. I’ve been living in a two-dimensional Georgia.

Despite the fact that I have traveled all over Georgia – tents, nice hotels, bad hotels, cities, villages, valleys- despite the fact that Svaneti  is the only region I have not yet visited, despite the fact that for the last 4 years I always chose positions that include working in the regions - I am still a tourist in my own country.

Really, what is Georgia for me? Batumi in the summer and Gudauri in the winter? Nice hiking area?

These people I see from the cars, these people I train, I sit down for therapy, why do they wear different clothes, what do they all day? How do they live? What do they do for fun?

Do you know what is the first place that I absolutely have to visit, even if I have nothing to buy? Smart supermarkets. Thank god there is one in Akhaltsikhe, in Gori, in Gonio. Smart supermarket is where I find shelter, ATMs, tea, clean bathrooms. Where I know things.

My comfort zone has extended to Kutaisi now. I can walk around the center alone without getting lost and mostly understanding the situation.

I spend so much time, so much time with people who discuss Game of Thrones, Benedict Cumberbatch, the latest event at the Mtkvari club, did-you-see-that-video-of-a-kitty-on-9-gag, and I start believing that this is what Georgia is, that everyone around me watches kitty videos, that everyone misses Breaking Bad, that everyone has a FB account. I am not surprised that some people don’t know English, but it doesn’t sound right to me. I don’t mean perfect English, I mean not understanding computer commands or “Friends” dialogue. I realize how incredibly snobby I sound.

And I actually do go out there. I actually spend so much work and vacation time outside Tbilisi. Yet, I don’t let the country in. I leave, I lock up my thoughts and beliefs; I don’t try to fit in – I try not to annoy. The only thing that I identify with is the nature. Those mountains on both sides of the road. I feel like they are mine. Mountains and the Smart supermarkets.

How did it happen that I am a tourist in my own country? It had something to do with refusal to watch TV.  Something to do with declaring that I am better than all this. That I am "way too educated" and "way too liberal". And as we took the new shortcut around Kutaisi  last week, I felt like my point of reference – the road – shifted. I caught myself thinking: I don’t even know how long we need to ride to the horizon until we reach the border of Georgia. Is it 2 hours, 3 hours? What’s out there? Azerbaijan, Russia? But then of course the shortcut ended and we went back to familiar highway, this road I’ve been riding several times a month now. Western Georgia-coffee at Zestaponi-Rikoti twists and turns-Nazuki-Khashuri roundabout-Gori Smart-abandoned Berta building-Jvari-Digomi-home.

…I wish I had a village, I wish I was not born and raised here, I wish I could connect, I could remember,

how must it feel to wake up on the 2^nd floor, under 4-sided roof, walk to the balcony rail, shiver and hurry downstairs for breakfast.

Cause I don’t know.

P.S. Pic I took in Kakheti last year.

Bar-hopping in Tbilisi

I used to complain that there is nothing to do in Tbilisi on a Friday night. That was era of endless-independent-film-watching.

I looked around the other day and discovered underground Tbilisi expansion. We’re no Berlin or NY, but still, things happen.

It’s Friday night and I have to choose between clubbing and bar-hopping. And that makes me exited.

So, if you decide to bar-hop in Georgia, let me share our favorite route which includes some newly-formed, informal bars.

1.       Warshawa  - a great place to start. It is located on the Freedom Square (Pushkin’s 19).  Menu includes 2 and 5 GEL drinks

You can hang around outside (people don’t smoke inside, yeah!), stay on a crowded first floor, or descend to a historical basement with long tables and benches. Basement serves wine only, so you’ll have to carry beer, drinks and food with you from the first floor down some pretty uncomfortable steps. Also, basement has no cell phone service.

Expect expats and young kids that don’t mind standing or sitting in the street.

2.   Walk toward old city hall, pass by the pretentious Tabidze, walk up Leonidze and turn left (Machabeli 2). The place has no sign, but you’ll see commotion outside. Arsad, located in the basement of former Lebanise restaurant (now just in the basement of nothing), Arsad (Nowhere in Georgian), used to be our favorite place to hang out about a year ago.  Expect shaggy, strange-haired youth here. It is also located in a historical basement and is usually pretty full on weekends. I love two warm design solutions here – Portrait of Shevardnadze that scared me to death last Halloween and writing on the bathroom mirror “Beware, the Chamber of secrets has been opened again”. By the way, the bathroom itself – yuck!

3.       Walk back to Freedom Square, down the Rustaveli Av. and discover “Reefer” (Rustaveli 28), another bar in the basement. Hipsters, dreadlocks. Concerts. Friendly management.

4.       Next stop – Canudos Ethnic Bar. Walk down the Rustaveli Av., until you reach McDonald’s, turn on Elbakidze, you’ll see a Samaia Park with hipster/i-like-dreds/ I-will-wear-Che-T-shirts crowd.  There was a time, when I absolutely loved this bar, it was one of the first ones to welcome different-minded crowd, but it is too mainstream for me now( I am aware of how pretentious that sounds)  I like the option of hanging outside, since bar is always crowded and you have to make your way through a unruly queue to get a drink.

5.       Walk  back to  Rustaveli, approach Wendy’s and eat something fatty. Or enter Smart and eat something fatty. The point is – after 4 bars you need to eat something fatty. (See my safe clubbing post).

6.       Continue walking on Rustaveli Av. and head left before you reach the Opera House. Walk down Lagidze street and turn left. Enter Dive bar (Lagidze 12). The crowd here is mostly friendly expats and young Georgians who have spent some time in Europe. It has two rooms, no floor and very underground feel. However, I just don’t find it cozy. Maybe the crowd is too young for me. Maybe the bar stand is too crowded. I don’t know.

7.       Now, take Tabukashvili street until you reach Tubo Partybar (Tabukashvili 14). I love this place. Blue walls, light fixtures made of red pipes, Ukrainians who opened it up. Sometimes there’s a DJ. It’s small, but not too many people know about it (they will now). Many expats from the Post-soviet space. Hubby has tasted variety of distilled house alcohol with no lethal results.

8.       Keep walking on Tabukashvili, until you reach the flower market on Kolmeureneoba. Here you climb the stairs to Pirimze (Atoneli 18) – There’s big policnica sing on the fisrt floor.. It is the quietest of all bars, but at this point you need to relax. Interesting artwork on the wall,  crowd discussing Sundance festival, old Singer sewing machines as a part of décor in an old, intelgentsia-styled apartment…you get the picture.  One of my favorite places on the route. Take advantage of a clean bathroom. Get some liquids. Check out the balcony.

9.       Next, you walk to Orbeliani street into second Ukrainian –owned bar, Absurd. It is located yet in another historic basement. It used to be a New Art Café, the space is pretty big and the crowd…you will not notice the crowd by this point. Barpeople are very friendly. They usually have pretty cool electronic music till 12, when they have to turn the volume down due to the neighbors. Used to be the only bar with no indoor smoking, but they had to allow it  - people used to smoke outside and annoy the neighbors.

10.   If you’ve started at 10 p.m. and moved pretty quickly, it’s probably 3-4 AM by now. But that’s OK because you have one last cool stop: the Drunk Owl (Samghebro’s 21). It is the newest bar on the block and pretty cool one. It has interesting décor (light fixtures made of bottles, owls of different sizes and shapes).  Bar’s mission is to introduce interesting drinks- also makes a good first stop, to appreciate pretty-colored cocktails before you are completely drunk. It is located right opposite the newly-built monastery, on the left right when you enter Abonotubani.

Happy drinking to you!

P.S. the pic: I stole it from their FB page, Absurd barpeople with lots of beer.

P.S. I've linked all the bar names with their fb pages, for your convenience. Because I am cool like that.

Kill Your Darlings

These last two weeks, I've been working for 12, 14 hours a day (not exaggerating), immersing in Gestalt therapy and trainings, thinking and feeling and crying and networking. And just now, I gave myself two-hour break and watched a film about Gingsberg and beginning of changes in US. And then I walked into FB and found out about killings, about a protest rally planned on Tuesday (when I am in  Kutaisi, working), and anger took over.
I'm mourning. I just don't know who I am mourning.
And here's my "poem".

There's change, there's process, there's relations.
Phenomenology.
What happens here and
what happens now.
Identity is a myth
I am different,
With you,
With the cat,
With a taxi driver.
I was different today from yesterday from year before.
And those who seek identity,
Who resist changes and process and relations,
Who define their own by opposing you,
And me,
And other faceless objects,
That we've become.
To them.
They come and kill us,
Because by killing they validate their selves,
Because by killing they know that they live.

We're blind. I'm blind. I'm walking blindfolded.
Until one day, they kill so many,
They kill so much,
That I'll be dead too.
Just walking.
Just working.
Just drinking pregnancy pills.
All dead inside.

Come, kill me too.
Come, kill your darlings.

Kvareli Luxury

Now I have done it all: I stayed in one of those overpriced, trying-to-be-fancy, overlooking-a-pond hotels in Kakheti. I have to tell you, if we don’t take into account that I can find equal or better accommodation for that price in a very touristy place abroad, I am actually very happy with the results. But let’s not be hasty, shall we? I hereby present you overview of the overpriced Kvarreli area hotels – I’ve seen them all and tasted just one.

Royal Batoni – granted, it looks very kitchy. It is shaped like a freaking castle. If Vegas ever wanted a Georgian-themed hotel, well it’s either this castle, or some cheap Svanetian tower copy. However, the entrails of the castle are pleasant. It has carpets and Georgian motif (but not too much), an infinity pool overlooking Ilia’s “lake”, pretty terrace and picturesque views of the Duruji valley. Dream fall vacation.

Pros – We got the executive suite and it came with many perks. 1 absolutely breathtaking views. Now, I was told that the other suite had a better view- of the “lake”- but nothing beats fall-colored mountains. Lake-shmake 2. Huge bath in the middle of the room. Yep. It’s just huge, deep and just stands in the middle of a large, open-space suite. Overlooking the pros#1. Since, there was a group of us, we just sat there in our bathing suits, taking turns. Imagine: people having fun, talking, drinking, and you’re with them, only in a tub.3. Free bottle of wine from the hotel’s own winery. This is Kakheti. Hotel has own wine cellar. Duh. 4. Shower room with a transparent wall. You could pull the curtain. Or not.  5. Bright colors. OK, I hate beige décor. It reminds me of Big’s first wife in “Sex and the City”, who painted everything beige. Some hotels think it’s classy. Well, I got a perfect, warm, Tuscany-like photo shoot against orange background. Beat that, beige!

Cons- Hubby said it: it looks like one person built the hotel and the other runs it. Which is probably not the case. But how can you have a huge bath in the middle of orange-room and Georgian-food-only menu in the same hotel? Not only it is just Georgian food, it is boring Georgian food, it ruins the whole fairy tale illusion. Who wants to drip overpriced khinkhali just left of the infinity pool? They could at least make it a bit innovative, reinvent Georgian cuisine, or include rare Georgian dishes, or have seasonal menu, or something, or at least present it in a different way! Tasty – but limited.

So, what else is in the Kvareli area?

1.       Kvareli Lake Resort. Probably the best view of all of them. “Lake” from one side, Alazani valley from the other. Terrible food. OK design.

2.       Lopota Lake Resort. Nice infrastructure. Several types of restaurants, bars, pools. Comfortable. The view is worse than Royal Batoni and Kvareli Lake Resort. Prices bite. Was innovative years ago, since it was one of the first (if not the first) hotel that started this whole luxury Kakheri trend. Very good for tourists, training, meetings. Self-sufficient area.

3.       Kvareli Eden. Awesome Mediterranean/Spanish design. Specially-built, mind-blowing spa. Nothing like it in Georgia. Hence, they charge extra for it. You can sit in a glass steam room and look into the vineyard. You can get into a solid copper bath tub filled with wine! Endless spa fun. Massages. Aromatherapy. View-not so much, but it is in the middle of the vineyard. Some people prefer foliage to mountains. This is definitely where I would go with my hubby. It is just very beautiful. But ouch, why do they charge hotel guests more for the pool usage? Who does that?

      Anyway, so these are your options, should you have a weekend when you have spare money, but no time to travel abroad, or if you just want to wander in pretty part of Kakheti, not over-crowded by tourists, now is a perfect time to casually sit in a tub, look at the leaves displaying gay pride, and make peace with yourself.

p.s. the pic: view from my hotel window. Duruji valley

Melancholia

The ghost of the fall has swept across Tbilisi.

I start writing posts and then delete them.

Kazantip is over. We returned for another weekend, danced our feet off, kidnapped pair of Russians and came back to our work.  Since then, I have been trying to avoid fall.

We’ve been walking with the Russians and going to parties. We went to clubs. We drank wine. They drank wine. I don’t like alcohol. It numbs me.

 I have started several posts, about futility of monogamy, about digital photography as the end of my picture-taking, about killings, about 90ies back in fashion and in spirit.

Summer is another planet, wrote someone, summer is my planet, even  unbearable, hot summer, it’s the time when the sea is salty, when the day is free.

...Sometimes I’m scared of this new job adventure, new house adventure, and I guess this is why I keep postponing it, postponing posting the prices on websites, postponing hiring designer, postponing long-term commitments.

I am sitting in my office, alone, waiting for clients to drop out of blue sky.

I had 5 clients yesterday. Clinic clients. It is uneven. It is unstable. I work good. I help people. I just started. I need time.

...I want it all and I want it now.

We’re selling our apartment, you know the one with all-night parties and bar stand and a cat and a hubby and plants on the windows that the said hubby systematically murders while I’m away for trainings.

Mortgage slaves. That’s what will become of us.

Of course, I can always sell my body.  I’ll probably be more successful then now, when I’m selling my mind.

...This summer planet, it was so nice. It had Lviv in it and new friends, it had Batumi with no rain (!), it had Kazantip , I miss the sea, I need more sea, my tan is pealing. I look like a zombie. I did not get enough sea.

When was the last time I got enough sea?

...The thing is, this psychological counseling thing, it’s a gamble. What if the market is not ready? What if I sit in this chair forever?

...Each day, I fear the winter. I keep thinking of cold weather and mushy snow.

Each day, I fear the new day.

...The ghost of rain and yellow leaves.

P.S. the pic: my happy summer planet - I took this pic at Kazantip

P.S.S. I wrote this post a week ago but I had so much work to do that I just couldn't sit down and edit it.
:-( I'm kinda over moping now :-)