This Orthodox Christmas

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Another protest is taking place today, as I am cooped up in my apartment, stinky and showerless, translating stuff for living and sticking Sherlock pics into FB during rest sessions. 

I guess it is never good to say “I told you so”. But man, I told you so! I told you that in their quest for power, they will start pressing hard on women, children, other vulnerable groups. And just as I told you, the Christmas message, you know, the one that is supposed to be full of hope and happy new beginnings, turned out to be vile and evil.

I quote: “Can a family that has a child by surrogate mother be happy?” “Children that are born through artificial insemination will have problems and their lives will be based on deaths of many embryos” “Whoever does this will be punished”!

Now, in the midst of protest a group of people is being attacked by religious fanatics for standing up for me.

For I have sinned and deserve all kinds of punishment. For I have chosen to use protection and wait for a stable salary, a home, a room of one’s own before becoming a parent. For after these years of making a nest, when hubby and I finally decided that we are ready, that we want one, nothing happened for a year, a two.

And then, those endless trips to different doctors began. The new “research phase” set in, beginning with a small surgery and continuing to this day. And month after month for almost two years now hubby and I keep planning our lives according to my cycle, keep our emotions, our finances, our patience and our stability revolving around follicles, endometrium, injections, hormones, the clinic, the pills.  I am googling and asking and reading and fighting against this treacherous body of mine, that just won’t surrender, won’t respond to treatments and this summer I said – enough! I am tired of this bullshit I need to act and act now, or else I will loose my sanity, and I demanded artificial insemination, which by the way is a different procedure, it is not an In Vitro fertilization, but we can’t ask church to know exact medical terms, can we? Anyway, we never got there, as my eggs never grow big enough or stuff that should hold the embryo is too thin, or one shit after another…In Vitro it is.

I was at the clinic just last week. All the final test done. Preparing my body for the next month. Looking forward to another bank loan. Healthy eating.  Quitting my job to lead a stress-free life. Talking about my uterus non-stop. I was just going to write about it too. “Divine intervention” beat me to it. Cursed me and told me that my kid will have problems. Said that if I fail to have 4 kids and if I fail to teach him number of things from the list, I will be punished (direct quote). Said that I work for my comfort instead of staying home and doing my womanly duties. Said that everything they taught me in college, about no absolute truth, about relativity of life, about different philosophies,  is a lie spread by international organizations.  

 I am worried sick as it is, thinking of probabilities, percentages, success rate, preparing myself for another failure.  And right at this time, according to the patriarch, all of my aspirations, everything I have been working towards for this past year is a sin and I will be condemned.  I always knew that one day they will walk into my personal space.  And just like I stood for my friends, empathizing and sharing their pain, my friends stand today for me, literally for me, while I am cooped in my apartment, making more money to buy more pills.

Indifferent,  got to be indifferent. Got to stop them from getting into my head. No stress. No stress. Apples and dairy and focus on work. No stress. No curses. Just stay away. Away.  Away from this evil.

P.S.protest in front of the patriarchy. Click on the pic for the original source. Not my pic.